North Stamford loves Michelina's Pizza for one reason: Michelina's Pizza delivers to North Stamford. Convenience is the only possible reason that anyone can enjoy the 16" garbage circles masquerading around as 18" pizzas from this loathsome hole. You would be best advised to disown any friend of yours that recommends Michelina's Pizza (unless they're mercifully recommending a non-pizza item) or at least offer to drive them to Speedy's.

Establishment. Driving up to Michelina's on a cold winter night, one might mistake it for a Roman bathhouse because the windows will be fogged up and unspeakable things will be happening inside. Michelina's looks more like a stock room than a pizzeria as it has no dining room to speak of and is designed strictly for take-out. The staff is very well-mannered via phone, Michelina's offers many reasonably priced ($5) non-pizza lunch specials, and the interior is as clean as stainless steel can be, but that's about it. Normally, this would be fine because its not unheard of to get extraordinarily good food from a proverbial hole in the wall. Unfortunately, this is not that hole in the wall.

Pizza. This is the unspeakable thing happening inside. Michelina's pizza is beyond abysmal. The crust feels, looks, and (one would imagine) tastes like wet cardboard. Cold, wet cardboard. The military should be doing research on the cheese because when it cools and congeals approximately an eighth of a second after coming out of the oven, it has the texture and bullet-stopping properties of Kevlar. Incidentally, the sauce has a unique ability to provide a tasteless medium on which the cheese may float indefinitely, independent from the crust. Only the provision of a binder clip could save Michelina's pizza from extreme ingredient slippage. Fortunately, ingredient slip was most welcome being as the sausage tasted like it had been soaking in a chlorinated pool before going onto that wretched pizza and into the oven.

The bottom line. Michelina's should not offer pizza. Seriously, every single thing on their menu that isn't pizza has got to be better than this pizza.

Establishment: 12/30
Pizza: 10/30
Hits the Spot: 2/10
Large Cheese: $11.95

This wonderful little nugget is strictly a take-out only establishment. That is the last good thing we'll say about Speedy Pizza. This reviewer fully intends on writing a review as courteous as Speedy's pizza was edible. Canadians (honest to God, Canadians) would not find this pizza anywhere near appetizing and may God have mercy on the souls of those keeping this scourge of the earth in business.

Establishment. As a strictly take-out pizzeria, Speedy's has no real establishment to speak of. We essentially walked into the kitchen from the front door with little to no barrier separating us from the black hole of flavor that their surprisingly working oven (perched atop what would seem to be a non-working oven) would prove to be. They had an interesting menu to say the least, littered with nonsensical food offerings such as hot dog pockets and chicken rolls. And as if that wasn't enough, we waited a solid 20 minutes (phoning 10 minutes ahead of time and waiting in folding chairs on site for another 10) for the "pizza" to make it into the box.

Pizza. Speedy's pizza would not even be passable as a Red Baron pizza found in your local grocer's freezer section. It goes without saying that the crust, cheese, and sauce were of questionable quality at best while the breakfast sausage topping masquerading around as "Italian sausage" did nothing but infuriate our palates further. The texture was like that of a wet tortilla, curling under itself despite 20 minutes of cooking. If the cheese had slipped off the pie, taking sauce and toppings with it as with so many substandard pizzas of yore, we would have relished the opportunity to let it fall to the ground. Unfortunately for us, it did not. And by now you're probably asking...gee how did they finish? Well...we threw out the last two slices.

The bottom line. Speedy Pizza is neither speedy nor is it pizza, please find something less painful to do with your $11.99. Like stapling eleven dollars to your face and removing them with a spatula from the 99 cent store.

Establishment: 9.5/30
Pizza: 9/30
Hits the Spot: 1/10
Large Cheese: $11.99

UPDATE: It seems as if Speedy Pizza as we know it has undergone a massive overhaul so as to make considerable improvements to the establishment and pizza, so don’t expect to experience the horrors we endured when we first visited. While we haven’t had a chance to revisit the pizzeria we deemed to need the most improvement, in due time we will.

“AWARDS” WON:

2009 – Most Improvement Needed