This wonderful little nugget is strictly a take-out only establishment. That is the last good thing we'll say about Speedy Pizza. This reviewer fully intends on writing a review as courteous as Speedy's pizza was edible. Canadians (honest to God, Canadians) would not find this pizza anywhere near appetizing and may God have mercy on the souls of those keeping this scourge of the earth in business.

Establishment. As a strictly take-out pizzeria, Speedy's has no real establishment to speak of. We essentially walked into the kitchen from the front door with little to no barrier separating us from the black hole of flavor that their surprisingly working oven (perched atop what would seem to be a non-working oven) would prove to be. They had an interesting menu to say the least, littered with nonsensical food offerings such as hot dog pockets and chicken rolls. And as if that wasn't enough, we waited a solid 20 minutes (phoning 10 minutes ahead of time and waiting in folding chairs on site for another 10) for the "pizza" to make it into the box.

Pizza. Speedy's pizza would not even be passable as a Red Baron pizza found in your local grocer's freezer section. It goes without saying that the crust, cheese, and sauce were of questionable quality at best while the breakfast sausage topping masquerading around as "Italian sausage" did nothing but infuriate our palates further. The texture was like that of a wet tortilla, curling under itself despite 20 minutes of cooking. If the cheese had slipped off the pie, taking sauce and toppings with it as with so many substandard pizzas of yore, we would have relished the opportunity to let it fall to the ground. Unfortunately for us, it did not. And by now you're probably asking...gee how did they finish? Well...we threw out the last two slices.

The bottom line. Speedy Pizza is neither speedy nor is it pizza, please find something less painful to do with your $11.99. Like stapling eleven dollars to your face and removing them with a spatula from the 99 cent store.

Establishment: 9.5/30
Pizza: 9/30
Hits the Spot: 1/10
Large Cheese: $11.99

UPDATE: It seems as if Speedy Pizza as we know it has undergone a massive overhaul so as to make considerable improvements to the establishment and pizza, so don’t expect to experience the horrors we endured when we first visited. While we haven’t had a chance to revisit the pizzeria we deemed to need the most improvement, in due time we will.

“AWARDS” WON:

2009 – Most Improvement Needed